We are, however, happy to inform you that we’ve pre-approved your cremation.
We have several reasons to deny treatment coverage for your terminal illness. Among those is the fact that we suspect, without any hard evidence, this was a pre-existing condition. From our business point of view, our suspicions ought to suffice as the basis for rendering our final decision. We aren’t here to give you money, we are here to take it from you. Therefore, facts not in our favor make it impossible to fulfill our mission of emptying your pockets. Suspicions, however, play right into our hands. As far as we are concerned, all of your past, present, and future conditions are pre-existing giving us the right to deny you coverage. We suspect you have been, are, or will be doing something at any given moment negatively impacting your health in some way. Thus, any condition at any time is, was, or will have been caused by your actions preceding said condition rendering it [pre]existing by virtue of your actions [pre]ceding it. Capiche?
Having collected your money for as long as we can and given you nothing in return, we stand ready to send your disease-ridden body as expediently as humanly possible to its final destination.
To wit, your cremation.
This is a whole other business proposition altogether. As opposed to not paying for your treatments, we are all for shelling out the necessary bucks for your cremation since it puts an end to you and with it an end to any potential liability. It does not make business sense to have you healed because it costs a lot of money. However, having you “crèmed,” as we lightheartedly call it, is money well spent. We have it all beautifully mapped out in our internal charts that show the exact inflection point along the profitability curve indicating the exact time you ought to be “caramelized” (that’s another favorite of ours).
With the time upon us, the only thing that’s left to do is to nudge you into the oven, as it were…
Speaking of nudging, we don’t need to do anything of the sort with, say, our turkeys – we simply put them in our ovens, roast them, baste them, and, dear me, do they ever come out smelling good and looking pretty. It’s as simple as that. Pardon the digression.
With people, however, it’s complicated to the point of being ridiculous in our opinion. Things would be much more straightforward if we never had to do any nudging at all. But, no, folks can’t be just shoved into ovens and roasted – that’s illegal because that’s murder. We created all sorts of laws to protect human beings. Cremating you then becomes a tedious persuasion game. Why make anything easy if it can be made complicated, right? We are funny that way, aren’t we?
Anyhow… All we can do to speed things along is to terrify you to death with a swarm of mailers from funeral parlors.
The power of suggestion serves as the nudge, you see… First, you ignore the mail, you dismiss the whole thing out of hand, you tell yourself you are nowhere near the end and that funeral homes are just plain crazy to send you these mailers. They don’t know any better, they are just trying to make a buck. And, yet, something is brewing in the back of your head, something is needling you. A worry, perhaps, begins to develop. You can’t help it but think of it all. It’s as if the funeral home is calling your name. You almost begin to long for it.
And before you know it… It’s “turkey” time!
Have you started getting mailers from funeral homes, yet? Go ahead and make the call! We pre-approve!!
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