The Russian Holiday Demand

“Drop and give us 20.”

To ease the tensions and to improve relations, the world is to do 20 push-ups. That is what Russia demands. Or else there will be misery only the former communist state is capable of spreading. This misery will be a “rottingly” slow process “filled with false hope.”

Ukraine is the scapegoat this time, what with it trying to become buddies with the Western civilization. For that the punishment is 20 push-ups by the West as per the Russian demand. That’ll teach us. And what Ukraine is in for will make former Soviet existence feel like peaches and cream. Poor Ukrainians…

Here’s a nuance to the Russian demand, and it’s as nutty as the promised misery – the push-ups the West is to perform are to be done “by the world and not the people.”


I will take a stab at clarifying this bushwa. You see, what they are saying is that it’s the Western lands that are to drop and give the Russians 20. If you were a space alien watching this unfold from high up above the planet Earth, you’d see continents heave up and go back down repeatedly in a foolish attempt to satisfy the Russian overlords. Yes, the swaths of Western dirt with the Western civilization built on top of it would move up and down. It would be a sight to behold. Russian fairy tales give birth to such nonsense. Many of these tales have someone “go don’t know where and bring back don’t know what.” An impossible task. And that’s what this Russian demand is – an impossible task. A fool’s errand we’d call it.

We’d better do it too or misery. “Rottingly” slow misery “filled with false hope.” Presumably, that implies slow death. But simple phrases like “slow death” don’t do it for Russians. They come from the land of such literary greats as Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, Nabokov, Bulgakov, Pushkin, Lermontov, Gogol, the list goes on and on. The heritage is rich. The Russian babies suck in sophistication with mothers’ milk. And they grow up with pomp in feast and menace. If blini then with caviar. If a threat then with a twist. A stick of misery with rot and false hope filling.

Why would Russians lay an impossible demand on the West? Because they think us fools. Being pragmatic capitalists, and, faced with a choice of fiery rockets or push-ups, we’ll take the cheaper route. Cheaper is better. Us capitalists obsess about things being cheaper even when it’s not better. And doing push-ups is cheaper than dealing with a swarm of fiery Russian rockets, much worse rockets that are sure to have demeaning messages written on them in Cyrillic. Our capitalist nature is to solve problems as quickly and as cheaply as we can (except when we can’t and throw money at it instead). We are sure to get to work on raising and lowering our continents 20 times pronto. To Russians, this is all amusing. We shall entertain the Russian gloom by making our lands over-exert in ridiculous and impossible exercise.

I can hear the Russians laugh with a tinge of evil. “The fools,” they are saying about us. “They think they are easing tensions and improving relations!”

Now, let’s figure out how we’re going to make our continents do push-ups before the Russian fiery rockets reduce our Western civilization into the makings for the Ukrainian borscht.

Happy holidays…

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