Travis Kalanick Will Do It In The Kitchens Now

The disgraced former CEO of Uber has learned his lesson

You will be able to order food from a kitchen through the “Metoober” app. The kitchen will be configured in creative ways to ensure ample worker harassment. For example, there may be a counter sturdy enough for two. The postman who rings twice will be available as an option in the app for those who would like their food cooked by people under kitchen-bound sexual duress with doorbells ringing. To ensure that the experience is as smooth for you as possible, Mr. Kalanick will be testing everything out himself beforehand. What will not be available to order, however, are sexual aggressors and victims. The former will be roping in the latter themselves #MeToo style. Travis Kalanick will advise on that.

Preliminary arrangements point to quite the sizable endeavor. Kalanick appears to have liquidated all of his Uber shares, which were worth over two billion dollars. If that is any indication of the kind of money he plans to invest in the kitchen affair then we can be sure he will hit the countertop pounding. Will it be a sharing “ride” for your kitchen staff or strictly for two? You will get to choose right in the app. I suppose we will see innovations no kitchen has ever had. Things that no-one thought could belong in there would suddenly make a whole lot of sense now that the room will be custom-tailored to activities that render whipped cream and cooking utensils accessories for the “entree.” Throw pillows, pumps, and lingerie-like uniforms are reportedly being considered to name just a few obvious ones. To really differentiate himself, Mr. Kalanick is hinting at a number of kitchen surprises. Rumor has it, some sort of swing set hanging from the ceiling might be in the works as well as what appear to be knee caps.

Travis Kalanick has learned that his sexual advances did not work at Uber. It appalled his female coworkers. It, probably, appalled male coworkers as well. He may or may not have understood why it was so. But he did learn that working at a company specializing in providing taxi service did not mix well with sexual harassment. Perhaps, he thought to his own surprise that taxis turned out not to be the best venue for such behavior despite the fact that there is even a whole subcategory of pornography that’s dedicated to sex in taxis. Mr. Kalanick may very well be baffled by this inconsistency for the rest of his life. Being the entrepreneur that he is, though, Kalanick found what he believes to be a sure thing. The kitchen. Everybody does it in the kitchen, right?

Some of the early backers include Trump, Weinstein, Nassar, O’Reilly, the estate of the late Jeffrey Epstein, and many many others…

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