I Lost All Of My Weight

A tragic tale of an obsolescence diet.

This comes to you from nowhere. As I recount my caloric losses, what would have been my remains is instead nothing at all.

I’ve wasted away, got infinitely smaller and denser, died, collapsed in upon myself, exploded like a supernova and became an all-absorbing devouring emptiness.

There’s lots of talk about losing weight to become healthier, or losing too much and needing to gain some of it back. But nobody talks about losing it all and what happens when you do.

Well, let me tell you.

First, you shrink. Then, you become invisible. And in the next instant – kaboom! You become nothing. Like nothing that preceded everything on Earth. Only this time it will be succeeded by nothing. You reverse it all. You suck the life right out of the Universe. The end. Or, is it the beginning? Whatever. Nothing.

So, I am that nothing now, and this is my tragic story.

As I stepped on the bathroom scales day in and day out, the digital readout kept surprising me. My weight was decreasing. I became worried when I broke the one hundred pound mark. Actually, I was worried even before then. The real shocker came one morning when I saw zero.

”Can this be? How am I standing on the scales and registering zero weight? The scales must be broken.”

I turned around, looked in the mirror, and instead of my reflection saw the opposite wall. I wasn’t. Me was not. Gone. There wasn’t what was I. And yet, I (or a facsimile thereof) am (or is) typing this from within the mysterious bupkis.

It doesn’t make sense. But then sense isn’t part of nothing, so it shouldn’t be expected. And expecting shouldn’t be expected. Neither should the word should, or any other word. Or, anything. Nothing. Not even nothing.

”Did I diet myself into a vacuum?”

I did cut out all nutrition to lose weight.

Who would have thought this would turn me into the explosive gaseous matter that would cause an ever-expanding life-consuming black hole?

And now the world will end.

I do so apologize for triggering doomsday with my irresponsible lack of sustenance…

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